Wednesday, January 21, 2009

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With the current clime of the economy, the cold grey expanse of winter closing in around me, and a career that won’t crack open, I think it’s safe to say I am backsliding into some depression. Ah, familiar, all too cyclical depression folks---it’s not just for Brian Wilson anymore.

Being no stranger to the blues given my unstable lifestyle, lack of control over income, and one of those temperamental “creative” personalities, I have experienced varying degrees of “sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, withdrawal from social situations, lack of interest in sex, decreased or increased appetite…” and so on and so forth from the laundry list of symptoms found in a Zoloft brochure. How do you deal with it? Do you seek out a professional? I say nay.

Sometimes what you need most is a good kick in the pants, maybe have your chops busted a little bit. Maybe you need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth instead of from a melanchoy little animated blob on your T.V. screen pretending to be sad. I don’t trust a skinny cook and I sure as hell wouldn’t take depression advice from someone who’s never lived in their bathrobe for 3 months. So that’s why I am stepping up to the plate and offering advice to you the reader from a field I am well versed in. These pointers have worked for me over the years and helped me through the lowest of lows and helped bring me back up to…well…what is normal anyway?

1. DON’T: Spend time with lively, attractive, industrious people who are turning their dreams into reality.
DO: Spend time with your 93-year old grandmother and challenge her to little feats of strength, cognitive & verbal reasoning quizzes and eating contests. Trust me, you’re going to leave feeling like a champ and she appreciates the visit.
2. DON’T: Continue to account for yourself by paying rent, working and contributing to society. It’s hard and you need a break!
DO: Move back in with your parents. Nothing says “adult” like your mom waking you up while you’re sleeping in the hot tub to ask why in god’s name you drank all of the wine in the house.
3. DON’T: Meet new people.
DO: Cling desperately to failed relationships, marriages and friendships and then drop in for surprise visits. People love surprises! You can’t change the past but you can re-visit it over and over and over again.
4. DON’T: Accept any employment that is beneath you. You are an artist, people need to recognize that and they can find you if they need to. They WILL come to you.
DO: Continue old spending habits because it feels good. Going out for every meal and hobnobbing at the bar every night is good for your soul. Your little brother works very hard and you can borrow money from him.
5. DON’T: Get stressed about the 20 pounds you’ve gained. Sometimes little changes in our body happen when life isn’t all peaches and cream and we decide to stop exercising and start lying around a lot.
DO: Continue to force yourself into your old clothing, go out to the bar for White Russians and end the night right with a combo platter at Taco Loco. It’s important to feel normal.
6. DON’T: Admit anything is wrong. Humility is weakness and you’ve got a reputation to uphold dammit! You are self-important!
DO: Go about your regular schedule and interactions despite your instability, but be sure to periodically excuse yourself to the bathroom to scream, cry, and punch yourself in the gut. Nobody wants to see you cry. *** Be sure to carry eye makeup remover, astringent and mascara with you to re-apply after you’ve had your head in the toilet to muffle the screams.
7. DON’T: Take advantage of free counseling or group therapy. You are better than that. Do you really want to surround yourself with poor, stupid, crazy people?
DO: Wait to be hospitalized. It’s far more glamorous to be rolled out on a stretcher while wearing a scandalously low cut slip screaming, “I can afford this!”
8. DON’T: Stay put in one location for too long and allow a routine to develop.
DO: Bail out the moment something becomes hard or unfavorable. That’s no good. Abort, Abort, Abort! Besides, moving is exciting and there will be a whole new group of people to eventually leave behind, disillusioned and shaken.
9. DON’T: Accept invitations to relax with friends and family. They say they love you, but the minute you have a drink and start to relax they’re going to start prying about your health, finances and sanity. They will offer help. You don’t need anyone’s help.
DO: Spend all holidays and special occasions alone listening to Lou Reed’s “Perfect Day” or any track off of “A Charlie Brown Christmas”. These tracks sound good year round. People admire your independence.
10. DON’T: Make goals for yourself. They’re so constricting and people talk shit about you when you don’t accomplish them.
DO: Wallow in this creative and financial lull. The only way out of depression is through it. Be prepared to feel this way for a loooooooong time.


I hope these tips have helped you recognize how best to deal with unfortunate bouts of depression. You just need to realize there’s NOTHING you can do about it and it’s not your fault. Medication is for the weak and/or insured. So live your life how you like to and eventually things will change. Or they won’t. So unplug the phone, grab the clicker and cozy up in your favorite flannel onesie; you’ve got some down time ahead of you.

145 comments:

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I would like a visit thank you

Ian said...

The nice bit about depression, speaking from experience, is that it's so often followed by a manic phase, in the throes of which you may find yourself in a cab heading to O'Hare, 4:00 am, intending to hop a plane to Vegas for a quickie marriage to a girl you knew in college who once proposed a threesome between you and some other dude.

Brooklyn VP said...

oh boy. don't i know those kinds of emotions all too well.

Knight said...

Wait. Are you my manic self writing?

Claire said...

I now live my life by these tips. Why? Because they are SO true. I love to curl up in flannel and self pity.

jchoard said...

Did I write this? Are you me? What's going on?

Ian said...

Is it ghoulish that I keep visiting this discussion board to see who else besides Brooke and me will admit to periodic and crippling bouts of depression?

Brooklyn VP said...

On a serious note, yes--- I battle with it and have been heavily medicated in the past before I figured out how to deal with my ups and downs.

Medication really sucks and I have figured out ways to battle depression and panic and also have learned that it's okay to have lows and to use them to my advantage----sometimes the cloud just lifts if you are patient and allow yourself to embrace the lows.

Jennifer Best said...

Holy cow...I found myself nodding along to this a little too much.

Kiki Kapral said...

I can tell you, the unemployment, drinking problem and poor nutrition are catching up with me. I really enjoyed this this... as I sit and watch a disney channel original movie .

Mo Diggs said...

Are you sure we are not the same exact person?

Amazing post!

pip said...

I lost my job a year ago after a happy quarter of a century at the same joint and I can verify the truth and wisdom of every single word. I have sent to all my friends to explain my recent behaviour. They are asking questions about the low cut slip but oddly made no comment about my poorly applied makeup.

Brooklyn VP said...

ha! that's hilarious. yes, Pip. it's time your friends understand the delicate nature of depression and cut you some slack, darn it!

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