Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Expanding Forehead

This is a new segment in which I, Brooke Van Poppelen, aka health expert and Uninsured Hypochondriac field all sorts of medical questions based on years of terrified google researching and Web MD browsing to try and figure out what the hell was going on with my failing health. Feel free to submit questions about what seems to be ailing you and I will do my best to give you an internet based answer devoid of contemporary medical facts.

Dear Uninsured Hypochondriac, I am not sure if something like this even exists, but I feel that I may be suffering from some latent symptoms of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). Is this even possible? I am 28.

Thanks,


beerpongchamp09@gmail.com


Dear Beerpongchamp,

Anything's possible if you want it badly enough. I have done a little bit of trolling about on the interweb in search of what I call AOFAS (adult onset fetal alcohol syndrome). Individual's suffering from this little known, made up disease have a propensity for drinking way too much alcohol and also performing poorly when it comes to analytical thinking and math.


This disease rears it's large, ugly forehead around the time of college and generally can continue into your mid to late 30's if an individual resides in NYC or Los Angeles.
The good news is that you can blame your binge drinking and learning disabilities on your mother instead of sobering up and getting a math tutor. ( I know, right? ) In cases more severe where you notice an elongation and widening of the forehead, use this picture as reference to know whether or not you should go to a walk-in clinic immediately.

Photobucket

Also, have you tried loosening your visor? That could be contributing to pressure build-up in your skull, forcing it to expand and cutting off oxygen to vital thought process centers of the brain.

Just know, you're not alone. For a very long time I thought I was suffering from AOFAS (not to be confused with FAO Schwartz disease) and then after a 12-step program realized all brain damage I experienced was entirely my fault, which led me to drink again.

AOFAS, while survivable, is best blamed on others.

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