Thursday, March 26, 2009

No Pizza March (dedicated to Mara)

My boyfriend and I declared the month of March as "No Pizza March". Today is the 26th. I have gone 26 days without pizza in NYC and have 5 more to go.

Since moving to NYC which is a haven for Yes-aholics, I have never had to put myself into so many little self-imposed "just say no" programs. Last year was "No Alcohol March" which did nothing other than make me a more impassioned booze hound. I went on about a 6 month stretch of "No Internet Dates for Brooke" which succeeded in keeping me single and lonely but at least I did not sleep with total strangers off the internet for half a year and instead met them in bars.

This past summer was "Ease up on your margarita consumption June" followed by "Seriously, when you are in Chicago visiting, it's not a license to eat Mexican food all 8 days for every meal just because NYC Mexican food sucks so much ass July".

I used to have even smaller goals when I moved here that were more focused on making it through a single day as opposed to a month. Today is "No crying Monday" hopefully followed by "No crying Tuesday" and so on and so forth.

Well before hatching so many of these little hare-brained schemes of denial like not eating pizza for 30 days, I have embarked on other journeys of restriction. I did the Master Cleanse 2 summers ago and lasted 6 days to prove nothing other than the fact that I have hardcore emotional attachments to everything I eat. I fiercely clutched a copy of "Power of Now" for those 6 days and journaled like a mad person every time I felt myself going to a crazy place over food.

I honestly did not feel hungry, (yeah I needed to lose some weight but this is about the most unrealistic way ever to do it) and I even had some crazy bursts of energy and clarity, but this was about me trying to finally gain some control over the emotional crutch that food had become since moving to NYC. It was all out psychological warfare as I had never stopped to observe how many stressors pop up every day in NYC which then immediately cause knee jerk reactions not limited to: stress eating, drinking yourself blind, punching a stranger, injecting street drugs into your vein, screaming, screaming, screaming, and more screaming.

I never have done street drugs but I see plenty of other people do them. I HAVE however succumbed to all of the other mentioned reactions due to stress overload and no access to Yoga anywhere near my apartment.

Doing the Master Cleanse stripped me of all my go-to numbing devices and forced me to really deal with my stress like a human. I found myself able to ease myself off of the cleanse as I was enroute to upstate Maine where I could unwind and stay out of trouble for the next several days. Instead of drinking myself into a state of imagined euphoria and tranquility, I sat next to a lake, ran my fingers through cool, verdant grass, inhaled deep, piney breaths of air and just let myself be. It was wonderful and I knew it wouldn't last, but I felt certain that I understood my triggers a little bit more and could better deal with them upon returning to NYC.

So fast forward almost 2 years later and while I still have not gone to one fucking yoga class in 3 years, I have calmed down and removed alot of the stress from my life. Doing hard cardio has been the trick for NYC. It's like fighting fire with fire for me. I have to engage in an activity that satisfies my stress instead of trying to dismiss it through meditation and deep bending. Nope. Not gonna work. I find that exhausting myself through 40 minutes of kicking and punching at the air satisfies my need for violence while also stimulating seratonin and burning calories. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

But man, oh man. This particular winter has turned into a real doozy, especially this month and especially in times of national crisis.

So this brings me back to "No Pizza March" which has also inadvertently turned into "No leaving the apartment March" as well as "Little to no income March" and I have realized that I am not a stronger person mentally. I am just poor and depressed. Not eating 4 dollar slices of pizza for 26 days is not really that much of a challenge when it is not really an option. I cannot afford my favorite means of self-destruction, nor do I have the energy or interest to leave the apartment in search of numbing devices because that would require getting dressed. Am I winning at this round of self-composure or losing an even bigger battle? Is it my steely resolve to abstain or just the economy once again stealing my thunder?

Eh. Whatever works. I am trying to ready myself for "Don't think too hard about it unless you want to go bat-shit crazy April."

40 comments:

Sarah said...

So so so funny Brooke. I wish you'd write more!

By the way...Joe and I recently moved to DC. I'm not sure if anything funny happens in this city, but if you want to book some shows in the area, we have a 2nd bedroom that you're welcome to use : )

Mara said...

You are so god damn funny honey. I can't wait to keep reading.

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